The Last Night in the Nursery

(I really hope you understand that reference. If not, please go watch Peter Pan.)

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I've reached the final evening of my youth. Tomorrow's the big day: I'm turning 18. The last few hours of my childhood are ticking away at an alarming rate as we drive and drive our way home from Lake Powell (which was absolutely fantastic, if you wondered).

So, a couple hours and a lot of miles ago in the Anderson Girl Car, Mom, our DJ, started crankin' up the t-swift playlist and "Never Grow Up" came on. I really don't know this song but Mom turned around and shot me a look because, hey, "never grow" up is basically my motto. It's one of those songs that make you all sad but so happy and nostalgic and stuff; not to mention  that my family has been constantly reminding me, much to my dismay, that my childhood will be over in a mere matter of minutes all. Day. Long. You could say I was feeling some degree of grief.

You have to understand that I've never wanted to be a Big Kid. I can probably count on one hand the times I've wished to be older, even then, the only reasons were privileges earned with age. Like, you know, dating and driving, and YW and stuff. I never planned my wedding or even had college plans after high school! (Until these last couple months that is. I mean about college.) I've never really known what i wanted to be when i grew up because i wasn't going to grow up, duh.

Year Eighteen was something that I watched happen to all of my friends and family thinking "whatever, that'll never happen to me," half expecting to be whisked off to Neverland any day now! Alas, grow-ups are officially uninvited from Neverland and unless some pixie dust arrives at my house in the next 2 hours, I'll be out of luck.

But I sure hope not. I hope age really isn't a number, because that's no fun. I hope age is just how you feel, because I don't really feel that old, and I don't really want to. Not yet anyway.

It seems like a lot of things come with Eighteen and Adulthood. Like, packing up and moving out and college and missions and apartments and bills and jobs that will pay them and scary things like that. I know it all won't have to happen all at once, but it still makes me a little sad to know my nearly careless childhood days are over.

The great thing is though, life is one big Adventure. And just because the childhood chapters are over, I still have a long way to go and a lot more adventuring to do.

As sad as it is to grow up, I guess I'm pretty excited. Tomorrow will come and I'll start a new chapter in my life's story book and it'll all be okay.

Adult life, here I come.

(Unless one of you is stashing some pixie dust, that is.)

Marley Kay

Your Dreamer

July Magic

Remember that one time when I said July had magic? (In that post about November?) Well now that it's July, I thought I'd explain.

July has this special summery adventure magic. Maybe it's because it's the middle of the summer month. You know, like, in June you were just settling in to summer and getting out of school mode and into summer jobs and fun and all that jazz. And then there is August which always feels kind of back-to-school month-- probably because it is. July though, July is that perfect middle moment where you're comfortable enough to be daring and adventurous and try new things and become a regular at the nearest snowcone shack.

Maybe it's because in my family, July is usually the month when we vacation. And it's almost always the month we go to Lake Powell. I won't gab too long about Lake Powell, but let me tell you something: this place competes very closely with Disneyland for the happiest place on earth. And I'm a huge Disneyland fan, so that should tell you something about how great it is. Infact, I'm posting this from the Lake Powell marina! So you could definitely say I'm currently the happiest girl on earth.

For as long as me and my parents can remember, I have always been obsessed with the sky. From sun rise, to sun set, to the stars, and the moon: I'll always have my gaze set a little higher than the average human being while I'm outside. On many summer nights you'll find me sitting on my porch or perched on top of my truck just to get a better view. There is just something absolutely captivating and indescribable about watching the sky work. I'd consider it it's very own kind of magic.

July is also the month of fireworks, at least in northern Utah county it is. (And hey, considering my obsession with the sky, this one's just an obvious infatuation of mine.) Between the 4th of July, Pioneer Day, steel days and all the other city celebrations, July is the month where every weekend you can find fireworks if you know where to look.

July is the month of patriotism. I mean, of course it is. America's birthday is this month! But I love how suddenly everyone is unified in the love of our nation. Because I love America, even if the economy sucks, or politics aren't exactly the way you wished. America is a miracle I think many if us take for granted on the average day. But not in July! (At least the first week anyway...)

The point is, July is wonderful and beautiful and everything a girl could ever need right now before she heads off into adulthood and stuff.

I'd say more but it's time to leave my wifi hotspot and get ready for the first night of bliss in Powell. So I hope you all have a wonderful week and finish off the month strong.

Go on an adventure for me, will ya?

Marley Kay

(your dreamer)

Life Lately

Hey, guys. Guess what? I didn't fall off the face of the earth. Here I am! And here's life lately:

First off, I graduated!! whoohoooo!
On Thursday, May 30th me and 600 of my closest friends ("closest friends" being defined as the people I have literally spent the last 12 years of my life with) graduated from Dear Old AF High.
And here are some lovely photos of me and my friends and family on that day:

Me and the bestie.

The Fiends.

The Family, minus our missionary.

My Sr Trip took me to NYC! where i ate the best food in the whole world and walked the Brooklyn Bridge and saw 5 Broadway shows and went to the 9/11 memorial and stood in Time Square and got soaked to the bone in the pouring rain and walked through Central Park and took the Subway/learned about public transportation and ate hot dogs on the front steps of the MET where i had the biggest migraine and and and SO many other things. I'll spare you all the photos, but i will include a few:

Time Square.

The New York sunset from the top of the Rockefeller building.

New York in the rain.

The hallway of strollers in the Manhattan LDS Church building.

A lovely photo of The Lake in Central Park. Don't those row boats look fun?!

The largest piece of pizza i could find.

The friends who are more like family.

And to finish off, the NYC skyline.

Well, that's life lately, aside from Smoothie King, rodeos, concerts, and boating.
Sorry it's been so long.

Marley Kay

Book Poisoning

Symptoms:

Insomnia, lack of appetite, mild paranoia, obsessive tendencies, mild loss of hygiene awareness, indescribable need to continue reading, etc.

Generally resulting in a physically and mentally exhausted state of grouchiness and poor nutrition.

More to come... Maybe. I have a book to attend to.

I blame you, Emily.

Marley Kay

The front porch

The front porch is a very important part of living.

The porch is where first impressions are made with the opening of a door and a hand shake.

It's where friends stop to talk a while on their Sunday walk, and some times the area they cover in chalk when you break your collar bone.

It's where you watch the neighbor's kids get in water fights in the summer and snowball fights in the winter.

It's where memories are frozen in the form of first-day-of-school photos, family portraits, and high school dance pictures.

It is where grandma brings you out a cup of hot chocolate and sits for a while when you have too much to think about.

And where you cry when a silly boy breaks your heart.

It's where you watch airplanes fly by, anxiously awaiting a shooting star so you can make one more wish.

And even where you get a fantastic goodnight kiss.

The front porch is also where you ponder a lot of things.

You watch the sun go down and the stars come out and you wonder what this whole life thing is all about for you.

You gaze up at those stars and clouds and the sliver of the silver moon that's still out at this time of month and try to calculate how far each one could possibly be from you.

(But then you remember physics class was last year and  you nearly failed calculus so you just smile and wonder anyway.)

You sit on that front porch and you evaluate your life, think about friends and family, and you grin because of all those beautiful memories.

All on the front porch--

It's pretty important, you know.

Marley Kay

The love solar system.

Ever been caught in a love triangle?
Try multiplying it by two and a half.

There's this one guy, for metaphor sake, lets call him the Sun. And then there's Mercury, always in orbit just a little too close for comfort and a little bit... Hot headed with jealousy, let's say. Lets skip the next 3 and head straight to Jupiter. Oh, Jupiter. Stolen such a large part of the Sun's gravitational pull, but is Jupiter pulling back? That's the real question. (Probably, but Mr. Sun would never assume such things.) Skip a couple more and we get to Pluto.... Too far to get too much warmth from the sun, but an orbit so skiwampus (just go with it, ok? There's no way I could figure that word out today) that it happens periodically enough to keep sweet little Pluto around. And last but not least, the Comet. Definitely no one saw that one coming. And that Comet came out of NOWHERE. Surprised 'em all for a moment, I'll tell ya what. But don't worry, that pesky Comet will be out of everyone's orbit in no time, just wait a week and a half.

Oh how fun it is, that good ol' solar system.


"Um, no one. Wah-wah."
Marley Kay

i refuse to sink.

I keep typing out sentences and then deleting them. I don't know how to start this so I guess this'll have to do.

I know I'm not extremely talented. I know I have a hard time memorizing and tap is certainly not my thing.
I'm trying really hard, though. And even if I've missed AP Language a couple times, I'm still doing the best I can.

After all, I am surviving. At least I'm trying to, anyway.
I'm surviving by Monday emails and checking the mailbox and the empty Diet Coke bottles rolling around in my floor boards. I'm surviving by 4x4s and long talks with Morgan and learning how to filter and not filter. I'm surviving by 14 hour set builds and long drives in my truck and country music and smoothies all around.

But here's the thing:
I refuse to be the weakest link.
I refuse to let comments rip me apart.
I refuse to self-destruct.
I refuse to get sick.
I refuse to give up.
I refuse to let anyone drag me down.
I refuse to sink.

Because I can do anything that I want to do.
(And I want this really bad.)

(Look familiar? Don't worry, I wear it religiously.)

Marley Kay

dreams and doubts and whatever else.

I'm not really sure why I'm even writing this.
I'm not really sure if my world is flipping upside-down or turning just as usual.
I'm doubting a whole lot of things though... but maybe that's normal?
It's probably normal.
No worries, just figuring it out.
Heaven knows what my life is coming to.

(Dreamin' old dreams, wishin' old wishes.)

Hinges, car rides, and soup.

You know what I love?
Details.
(Yup, call me OCD, but I love 'em!)

Not just details in the painting or movie or whatever visual,
I love the details of people.
(Yup, I'm also a freakish observer. Surprise! Try not to get freaked out if you catch me studying things. 'Cause that's what I do.)

I love the way every time I see my Grandma she says "hi there!" With the same exact inflection and same exact smile, and how she sends a postcard from anywhere and everywhere she travels.
And the way my Dad's cheeks look like one of those little picture-book characters from the 50's when he smiles because he thinks he's funny.
Also, if you could just see the look on my brother's face before commits to anything. Even little things.
And my sister does this thing in front of the mirror every morning while she's getting ready. She makes this face, fixes something, and repeats until satisfied.

I love all the things people do when they don't think anyone is watching.
Picking fingernails, playing with their hair, rubbing their ankle, spelling things with their fingers, tapping feet...

There's this look she gets while she's thinking, and one that he gets before he states his carefully worded, but always strong opinion. One of his eyes opens more than the other. She uses her posture like a defense mechanism. He kinda goes "zombie mode" if someone isn't talking to him. She always watches you intently when you speak, but in a comfortable way. He hardly says a word but his entire thought process is written all over his face.

It's all the little details that create people.
The details that create that beauty.
There is beauty in a complete thing, like a person.
When you look at someone and take all of them in?
You take in their hair, and their clothes, the freckles on their nose, and the dimples on their cheeks.
You see how their eyebrows get all scrunched up right before they start to cry, how their smile pulls up higher on one side than the other, and the way their eyes wander when they're nervous.
That is what completes a person.
That is what makes them beautiful.

I read in a book once about "taking a picture with your heart."-- drinking in every last bit of a moment until it sticks with you.
Can I just say, I love that. And I really do it a lot.
One of my favorite things to do is to look through that album.
I take a deep breath and everything just comes... The smell of the room, the energy it had, the smile on their face, your view from the passenger seat, all of it!

There's nothing quite like reminiscing over the details of a perfect moment in time.
And sure, it creates all sorts of nostalgia, but hey, it feels kinda good. Because you really felt something. And it sure seems like as a society we are deadening ourselves from that. Turns out, it's pretty healthy to feel things, and react to them, in my opinion at least.

Take a deep breath. Breathe it all in for a second. Close your eyes tight. Let it stay with you. 'Cause those are the little things you'll wish you'd remembered.


Your dreamer
Marley Kay

speechless words

I want to write something beautiful. But I don't think I can find the words.
I know what it should sound like, though. It should have a "missing you" tone and sound like a country song that we would sing along to in your truck. It would sound like laughter and tears and probably tires on snow.
It would probably have to say something about your green eyes, or your quiet-ness. And you know? It would talk about your family, and the dog, and that dumb rubber duck that he loved chasing around so much. It would say something about theater seats and freezing hands, and that one blue blanket that you always gave me because your basement is freezing.
It would for sure say that tears are lucky. Wanna know why? Cause tears mean you love something. Sad tears, happy tears, all of 'em. Some tears mourn a loss of something or someone you've loved, and other tears celebrate the recognitions of beautiful things.
It would probably feel sturdy, strong, steadfast, yet subtle, and all those other good "s-words" we talked about.
It would say something about driving a "Shaniqua," driving one handed, and teaching me to drive stick. Probably it would mention "Lehi hill" and cemeteries, too.
(clutch, brake, turn the key, ease your foot of the break and onto the gas. You'd be so proud, I only killed it once.)
It would remind you of all the visits payed to Smoothie King and the amount of money we wasted going out to lunch.
It would also remind you of super heroes, cause hey! You saved plenty of my days.
I would say something about your new favorite tie and my new favorite sweat shirt.
You would laugh because I'd talk too much and I'd smile when you finally would.
And then we'd shed a few more tears, read it over just one more time, and I'd watch through the window as you drove away.
(clutch, brake, turn the key, ease your foot of the break and onto the gas. And now, I'm the one who gets to be proud.)



"See you in two!"

Marley Kay
Mars
Mars Bars
your dreamer

... What-ever-you-want-to-call-me-now.

a thought

{ok, I'm sorry this post is a little rough. I know it's poorly structured and hardly artistic, I just couldn't ignore this little thought any longer.}

People need People.

Seems easy enough to understand, right?

Here's the thing:
It is absolutely impossible to go through your life alone.
Believe me, I've tried it.
It doesn't work, just take it from me and learn from my mistakes. (Seriously, you'll be happier, I swear.)

The cool thing about Life and God is that He places people right when and where they need to be, just so they can bless you and so you can bless them.

There is no possible way I could have made it through Latin last year without Nya.
Or through YW without Nikole.
Or through sophomore year without Kristen, Rachel, and Mark.
Or the summer of 2011 without David and Coleen.
Or through Jr. Year without Krista (mama).
Or through, lets face it, life itself without Emily or Eliza or Morgan or Connor.

So often we rush through our days, not recognizing the beautiful people God has so lovingly placed in our lives.
We brush off human presence and take for granted those who we need the most.

Of course, people change.
And more often than not, they exit and reenter our lives-- but its always when you need them most.

They may not be the same person you needed before, but maybe they're the person you need now.
Hey, maybe they're not; who am i to judge?
Maybe you could go a while without them.

[But here's another thing: truth is, you need those people that hurt you too.
Every heartache makes you stronger. Doesn't it?]

It's weeks like these that remind me how lucky I am to have wonderful people in my life.

I know I don't say it often enough,
But thank you for all you do for me.
I send all my love and gratitude,

your dreamer
Marley Kay

Apologies and a Review

My sincere apologies for all of the posts I haven't posted in the last month.

Here's the thing. I hate to focus on all of my broken-ness, but sometimes it makes me do things more than walking down the office supply isle and counting snowflakes. Sometimes it makes me do things like shut everybody out and turn off the radio in my truck for two weeks and unplug my iPod and stop writing because it all just hurt too bad.

But I'm back. Here I am! Still alive, still breathing, still nervous, still anxious, still me. But just a little bit different. 'Cause that's kinda what happens.

Forgive me, I've lost my words... And in the past month I've really learned what that means. I've realized that I'm very articulate as a person. I've never thought of myself as a writer, but I think it holds a little piece of me... I've discovered that I thrive on words. I need them. I rely on them. And without them I am not myself. An interesting discovery, but one, nonetheless.

Enough about broken-ness, onto the point of this post:

2012.
Gee, what a year. A year that has brought so much heart ache and so much joy. A year that brought surprises, and strength , and anxiety, and peace like I've never felt.

I learned so much. I learned to tread carefully over some subjects. I learned that just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean you have to love them again. I learned that some things are just hard, and to really hold on to the things that aren't. I learned to appreciate the tears for what they're worth when they come. I learned that "goodbye" is a really ugly word and I hate to ever use it. I learned that true friends really do stick around through thick and thin. I learned that there are always two sides to every story. And that sometimes more than one person is right. I was reminded that people sometimes change. And sometimes they don't. I learned that "it'll all come out in the wash." (Whether it's that nasty old stain or the lost 20 dollar bill.)(Thank you, Dorothy, for pounding that one into my mom's head. Really.) I learned that I actually have a purpose-- in everything and everyday. I learned that God is God and that I am Marley. And that I love to prove people wrong about what they think I'm capable of, and so does He. And He has a very great sense of humor.

2012 gave so much to me. January brought Warmth in the cold. February brought Endurance, March was Forgiveness and April, Dreams. May brought Light and June brought Loneliness. July was Healing and Triumph while August was Doubt. September brought "Goodbye"s and the Heartache to go with it. October brought Adventure and Chances, November came with it's usual Change and Magic. And December... Well, December brought Broken-ness. But over all, 2012 brought me Strength to Carry On. Who knew I was that strong? I didn't!

Now it's time to bid it all farewell. Not to say goodbye of course, because that is an ugly word and I refuse to use it. Goodbye feels more permanent, like I'll never see it again. Turns out, I need all those things. All those pieces of this year that created more and more of me. Farewell 2012, you will always stay with me, but now is time to move on and start a fresh.

2013, you hold so much in store. More heartache and loneliness and trial, I'm sure. But also new adventure, new experience, new peace. Singin' in the Rain, graduation, New York, moving out, adulthood, going to college, some new friends, and always the old friends, and of course the same wonderful family.

I'm not sure what's coming or where I'll end up, but I'm ready. I'm ready not just to arrive there, but to travel there. I'm ready to enjoy it.

So here I come, World. Little old me, who is way more capable than she thought she was. Watch out, 'cause here I come.


Marley Kay
your dreamer.