24 hours.

*****this was supposed to be published on Oct. 19, but instead stayed in draft form for some reason.... sorry.*****

6:18 p.m.

Aly is sitting at the piano playing hymns, like she always does when she hassomething to work out in her head.

I’m hiding in my room, like I always do when I have something to work out in my head.

I’m holding back tears
     like I did yesterday.
     like I did this morning at the temple.
     like I did when he answered the phone this afternoon and I was surprised to hear his voice.
     like I did when I looked in the back seat of thetruck and saw his hat on the seat.
     like I did when I saw him sprawled out on the couchwatching Boy Meets World.
     like I did at the dinner table when Aly said,"Amen," and he said, "No crying allowed."
     like I am just sitting hear listening to my sisters tell him about their days.

I’m holding back tears because I can hear his voice.
     because I can still see him andtalk with him and hug him.
     because he is still here but it won’tlast much longer.


10:39 p.m.

We all said "amen," we all hugged, and we all left.
We all came home and he said, "Way to break the rules. No crying allowed."
We chuckled and got all nostalgic thinking of way back when he did this or she did that.
We had plenty of visitors and witnessed a few tender good-byes.

But they're not really "good-bye's", just"see-you-later's."
After all, two years goes by pretty quick right?

Well, I’d had enough of goodbyes when we still had over 12 hours left on the count down.
So I decided to do something that I do pretty darn well.
Procrastinate.
Procrastinate the homework, the awkward and sad goodbyes, and the zipping up of the suitcases.
Procrastinate it all, I say!

Because maybe I’m not ready to say goodbye.
And so I won’t say goodbye.
I won’t say goodbye until the last moment possible.

The awkward part is, there was a looming elephant of "say-good-bye" in the room.
But I chose not to acknowledge it. Which was awkward.

But how could I be ready to say goodbye?
How do you say goodbye to someone you've known your whole life?

We made blanket forts together.
We made "inventions" together.
We made cookies with grandma together.
We did chores together.
We played on the rope swing at the farm together.
We played board games together and fought over the remote.
We made schemes together.
We played together.
We laughed together.
We cried together.
The point is, we were together.

He supported me. He protected me. He stuck up for me. He accepted me.

How do you say goodbye to that?
How do you handle it when you have an emergency and need to shoot him a text real quick,
or when you need him to beat up some kid that hurt you (figuratively, of course.),
or when you need a shift covered and no one will take it,
or when you know you're not actually going to see him in a month when he gets a little homesick and claims to come home so he can "work on the jeep," but you know the real reason.
How do you say goodbye to a big brother?
'Cause I'd sure like to know.


7:03 a.m.

Arriving at the Gilbert's for breakfast-- Trying not to remember that this is the last morning.


7:22 a.m.

Leaving for school-- Trying not to think of goodbyes.


11:11 a.m.

Sit down for "the last supper" at JCW's.
Still procrastinating the goodbye.
That dumb elephant got bigger and bigger and started making things awkward for all of us.


12:09 p.m.

pull into the temple parking lot.
take a few pictures.
pause and take a picture in my heart as I watch men in suits, traveling by twos, walking back to the MTC.
Break the rule again and cry on his shoulder.

But i didn't know that was gonna be the last one.
As it turns out, i was the last of the siblings to get a hug because of that break down.

12:15 p.m.

Make sure he's got everything ready to go.
One last check for everything.

12:22 p.m.

Start the car and get in the line for drop offs at 12:30
Then all of the sudden, I took a picture of a sign,
A man pointed us through,
We saw a few familiar faces,
Pulled over when beckoned,
He and my parents jumped out, and opened the trunk.
There was a hand shake or two,
A couple more photos,
And then he was gone.
He just walked away.

I tried to cry quietly, (i don't like it when people watch me cry)
But my sisters' sobs were loud enough that it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

Because how do you say goodbye, anyway?

12:28 p.m.

Check my phone as we exit the MTC parking lot.
Wait.
He didn't have to be there for another 2 minutes!

I felt cheated out of those last 2 minutes.
I mean, its not like those 2 minutes would have made an enormous difference.
But it was certainly time enough for me to jump out of the car and give him a hug... wasn't it?

12:50 p.m.

Back home.
Go back for fourth? Or not?
Definitely not.
Tried to pretend it was all good and fine but really,
my heart ached for those last 2 minutes.

2:30 p.m.

Well, i had to go back to school for rehearsal anyway.
For some reason, it all clicked today.
The story made sense.
My part made sense.
It felt real.
Because it was real.
Because i had really lost someone today.
Not for a long time, but long enough to let me feel it.

The best part was, it was ok to cry there.
So i did.
Not that anyone else would have known that that was partially the reason for my tears,
they all thought i was acting my part.
(the part of the woman whose family was ripped away from her)
But really i was just being.
And an even better part?
They helped me though it.
Those girls grabbed my hand, and dried my tears, and they had no idea.


4:00 p.m.

The procrastinated homework could wait no longer.
Even though my head was spinning a million miles an hour, i made myself focus.

6:18 p.m.

And then all of the sudden, i checked the clock.
And the 24 hours of tears and good byes were over.


But it was really just a "see-you-later."
After all, two years goes by pretty quick... right?

love always,
Your Dreamer
Marley Kay