i refuse to sink.

I keep typing out sentences and then deleting them. I don't know how to start this so I guess this'll have to do.

I know I'm not extremely talented. I know I have a hard time memorizing and tap is certainly not my thing.
I'm trying really hard, though. And even if I've missed AP Language a couple times, I'm still doing the best I can.

After all, I am surviving. At least I'm trying to, anyway.
I'm surviving by Monday emails and checking the mailbox and the empty Diet Coke bottles rolling around in my floor boards. I'm surviving by 4x4s and long talks with Morgan and learning how to filter and not filter. I'm surviving by 14 hour set builds and long drives in my truck and country music and smoothies all around.

But here's the thing:
I refuse to be the weakest link.
I refuse to let comments rip me apart.
I refuse to self-destruct.
I refuse to get sick.
I refuse to give up.
I refuse to let anyone drag me down.
I refuse to sink.

Because I can do anything that I want to do.
(And I want this really bad.)

(Look familiar? Don't worry, I wear it religiously.)

Marley Kay

ACT, Called to Serve, and other such Updates.

So sorry i haven't posted in forever.
Life's already been kicked into high gear with school starting up already and I have had no time to write!

I seriously have no life any more. It's all just school, and home work, and work.
PS, Who ever thought homework was such a great idea? I mean, as if 6 hours of class isn't bad enough, lets just give them 4 to5 more hours to do AFTER that! Ugh- so frustrating. Only first term and the senoritas has already begun!


It's been a crazy weekend! Friday night i had to work but my awesome big brother was kind enough to take the end of my shift (He's worked there on and off since his Jr. year in high school) so i would be able to get some good sleep the night before the ACT. So sweet, right?! He's the greatest.

Took the ACT yesterday morning and felt pretty darn good about it. Still had time issues but i was much more confident in it and felt that i did well on the stuff i finished. (PS, if you're struggling on the ACT or would like to have a better score, or even if you're just struggling in a subject in school, i know of a fantastic tutor, it made a world of difference.)

In preparations for a farewell, we cleaned like mad-men over here Friday and yesterday! Then my mom kicked me and her sisters (my aunts) out and we went shopping. {finally found a Homecoming dress! pictures to come :)} Then my aunt talked me into going with her down to a friend's house for a facial. It was definitely a new experience for me but it was so fun! And my face has never felt better. :)

Today was my big brother's mission farewell--which was slightly heartbreaking for this house of girls.
He had a double farewell with a close friend and the entire parking lot was over-flowing, if you know what i mean. They both gave amazing talks! But i sure had a lot of pity for the poor youth speakers and the musical number... Also, if you saw us Anderson's in the meeting, don't worry. We are ok. All of us had a tiny break down at the end of the meeting, but we've recovered thus far. We are known for our tears, so don't panic. ;)
We had family and friends come over after the block for a get together. Basically, i couldn't stand in one place for longer than 3 minutes. I was chasing children, prepping more food, eating food, trying to say hi to people and welcome them in, or trying to find people. (But mostly i was eating food and chasing children.) We've had family and friends in and out all day long and it lasted til about 10 o'clock. So, you know, I'm just barely staring my homework... Which i should probably get back to...

Hopefully you'll hear from me sooner or later.

love always,
your dreamer
Marley Kay

Oh! PS, (for the third time) he's headed to the Philippines, where you mail one shoe at a time, eat dog, and speak a language no one's ever heard of.
He's gonna love it. :)

words.

You know those days where you need to write but have no words?

It's one of those days.

I wish i could find the words to say what i want to.

{'Cause if I could find them, they would be amazing.}

I wish i had the words.

Marley Kay
your dreamer

I should be working on my online class right now.

I should be, but currently, i'm not.
If you see me on Facebook or Pintrest or something tell me to get off 'cause I'm sacrificing eliminating myself from drama or musical theater next year if this class is not done by August 21.

but i'm too tired right now
and my head hurts too much right now
and my heart aches too much right now
there is too much anticipation right now
there is too much fear
and sadness
and crying
and heart break going on inside me to focus right now.

But the thing is,
nothing has happened yet.
I shouldn't feel this way.
I shouldn't hurt already....
but I do.
and I'm torn.
and this sucks.

(I'm sorry in advance, just know it's not because i don't care anymore.)


(maybe it's because i care too much.)


Marley Kay
your dreamer

"Keep on dreamin' even if it breaks your heart."
Eli Young Band

p.s. where the heck is Neverland and why can't i find it?

the Updated Updates

Today marks the 5th movie seen in theaters,
3rd boating trip I've sat out,
4th doctor I've seen,
3rd blog post on the matter,
and 29th day of broken-ness
(with 35-48 days left).

Well, I went to the doctor (again) this morning.
After waiting an hour and a half to see him,
(temple run and fruit ninja don't entertain for that long-mind you)
the doctor, my mother, and I looked over my x-rays again.
He said it looks like it broke in the same place-which is good.
He said the "calcified stuff" hadn't mineralized yet and it was still in the softer phase-which is good.

(Side note: When your collar bone heals basically what happens is your body sends a bunch of calcium at it. It then surrounds the break and "bridges" over. For lack of better words basically it's like molding play dough around a broken stick to hold it together. The calcium then forms a bump or knot as it heals. There are a few phases it goes through but basically it starts off soft--like mine was when it re-broke-- and then gets hard like the bone. After a few months the body sends some things at the "bump" to eat it away until it's as smooth as it can get naturally.)

He said surgery was an option but he'd avoid it if possible.
Because it is my second break there are some pros to surgery
but also some cons in the general idea of surgery.

Having surgery would mean trading the "bump" for a scar- which sounds like an attractive option to me (the bump is not that comfortable but that also may be because it's still healing).
But along with the scar comes some hardware in my body.
A metal plate and I think about 6 screws?
And sometimes they have to go in and remove those years later.

Still weighing my options at this point. There are three:
1. Surgery, metal plate, scar.
2. No surgery, let it heal on its own, deal with the bump.
3. No surgery now, let it heal on its own, deal with the bump for a couple years, then get it "shaved down" through surgery, have a scar, and a straight collarbone.

With both options 1 and 2 I'm still looking at about 4-6 more weeks recovery.
Option 3 is that and however long after the surgery... which would be less invasive than option 1.

Ok, so that's pretty much it for the doctor... We had some more questions after we left so we ran back in and had the nurse write them down for us and he called with the answers later.
Basically, if I chose option 1 surgery would likely be the week after next with 4-6 weeks recovery.
When the family goes to Lake Powell, I'm the photographer (no boarding or tubing for this girl!).
The bump is kind of sharp now but it should smooth out a little eventually.

The thing I'm most afraid for is going back in 6 weeks (the day school starts) and realizing we should've done surgery... or breaking it again, which wouldn't surprise me for some reason.

People keep calling and asking what the plan is but honestly, I have no idea yet.
Pretty much all the information I have is right here, and I still don't know what to do with it.
And I know it's vain but I think that stupid bump is going to drive me crazy... I just want it smooth like a normal teenage girl...
I wish it didn't bother me and I wish it didn't hurt anymore and I wish I could learn some new tricks on the wake board and go swimming and play outside and get dressed normally and put my hair in a "Marley bun" and I wish I didn't have to wear that stupid brace that makes me feel like a freak. I wish I didn’t. but i do.

I think it's safe to say that I'm scared now.
Scared of what my choice will be and the consequences that will follow.

Sorry this post was such a downer... trying to stay positive! Today was just a not-so-great-one.
But it's not over yet!

Still hoping. Still dreaming. Still wishing. Still deciding.

Marley Grace Kay
Your Dreamer

P.S. Any good movie suggestions?

P.P.S. Girls camp next week? Probs not happenin’.