dreams and doubts and whatever else.

I'm not really sure why I'm even writing this.
I'm not really sure if my world is flipping upside-down or turning just as usual.
I'm doubting a whole lot of things though... but maybe that's normal?
It's probably normal.
No worries, just figuring it out.
Heaven knows what my life is coming to.

(Dreamin' old dreams, wishin' old wishes.)

Neverland

I miss it.
I miss Neverland.
I miss our Neverland.
Mostly because it was ours.

I keep finding new spots
But I interrupt my train of thought remembering that I can't say much about that anymore.

I miss our little escape where imagination could run free.
We got to play every part.
We got to reminisce all those old days.
We got to remember when all this Neverland business was socially acceptable for our age.

I feel like I've switched gears.
Instead of being whisked away in flight to Neverland, I've been drugged into a freakish sleep.
Cats vanish body part at a time, caterpillars smoke here, apparently it's always tea time, and everybody is mad. Oh, and don't mess with the queen or she'll have your head... Literally.

It's just a new experience for me.
And I guess they were right when they said she decided what she didn't want to be by process of elimination.

But it is so very lonely here.
And it's all so dreadfully confusing.
Even after all I accomplished and all the courage it took to do it,
All I wanted was to return.

I never meant for it to be like this.
And I really hate that it is...
I feel like part of me is missing.
It's so frustrating in this place,
All I want is to climb back up that rabbit hole or find the looking glass.... But I'm sort of lost here.

Well... I'm trapped. And I can't get out. And I'm scared and frustrated and I keep trying to give up and just cry but for some reason I won't let myself.
Because I have to finish this what-ever-this-is before I can come back.
And I didn't want to admit it but I need you. Because you're kind of the only thing that has kept me from going mad lately.

Sometimes I still look up at that second star to the right and wonder if you're looking there too.
It hurts me to think that you might not be, so I just pretend you are, even if you aren't.
Not to boast, but I think I'm really good at that. I can believe in anything I want to. I know that may not make sense to you but that's because it's all pretend. I can pretend all I want. But when real things come along that are just as good as all my pretendings, it freaks me out a little. I can't be sure if its all true or really real because its all I ever dreamt of.

My heart was aching to return and so I tried to go there yesterday- Neverland I mean- but I couldn't. It seems something has gone missing... But then I remembered giving it to you. So it all makes sense.

You'll always have a special place in this broken heart of mine, you know. It's called Neverland. And I hope you'll come pay a visit sometime.



your dreamer

Marley Kay

  

words.

You know those days where you need to write but have no words?

It's one of those days.

I wish i could find the words to say what i want to.

{'Cause if I could find them, they would be amazing.}

I wish i had the words.

Marley Kay
your dreamer

I should be working on my online class right now.

I should be, but currently, i'm not.
If you see me on Facebook or Pintrest or something tell me to get off 'cause I'm sacrificing eliminating myself from drama or musical theater next year if this class is not done by August 21.

but i'm too tired right now
and my head hurts too much right now
and my heart aches too much right now
there is too much anticipation right now
there is too much fear
and sadness
and crying
and heart break going on inside me to focus right now.

But the thing is,
nothing has happened yet.
I shouldn't feel this way.
I shouldn't hurt already....
but I do.
and I'm torn.
and this sucks.

(I'm sorry in advance, just know it's not because i don't care anymore.)


(maybe it's because i care too much.)


Marley Kay
your dreamer

"Keep on dreamin' even if it breaks your heart."
Eli Young Band

p.s. where the heck is Neverland and why can't i find it?

the Updated Updates

Today marks the 5th movie seen in theaters,
3rd boating trip I've sat out,
4th doctor I've seen,
3rd blog post on the matter,
and 29th day of broken-ness
(with 35-48 days left).

Well, I went to the doctor (again) this morning.
After waiting an hour and a half to see him,
(temple run and fruit ninja don't entertain for that long-mind you)
the doctor, my mother, and I looked over my x-rays again.
He said it looks like it broke in the same place-which is good.
He said the "calcified stuff" hadn't mineralized yet and it was still in the softer phase-which is good.

(Side note: When your collar bone heals basically what happens is your body sends a bunch of calcium at it. It then surrounds the break and "bridges" over. For lack of better words basically it's like molding play dough around a broken stick to hold it together. The calcium then forms a bump or knot as it heals. There are a few phases it goes through but basically it starts off soft--like mine was when it re-broke-- and then gets hard like the bone. After a few months the body sends some things at the "bump" to eat it away until it's as smooth as it can get naturally.)

He said surgery was an option but he'd avoid it if possible.
Because it is my second break there are some pros to surgery
but also some cons in the general idea of surgery.

Having surgery would mean trading the "bump" for a scar- which sounds like an attractive option to me (the bump is not that comfortable but that also may be because it's still healing).
But along with the scar comes some hardware in my body.
A metal plate and I think about 6 screws?
And sometimes they have to go in and remove those years later.

Still weighing my options at this point. There are three:
1. Surgery, metal plate, scar.
2. No surgery, let it heal on its own, deal with the bump.
3. No surgery now, let it heal on its own, deal with the bump for a couple years, then get it "shaved down" through surgery, have a scar, and a straight collarbone.

With both options 1 and 2 I'm still looking at about 4-6 more weeks recovery.
Option 3 is that and however long after the surgery... which would be less invasive than option 1.

Ok, so that's pretty much it for the doctor... We had some more questions after we left so we ran back in and had the nurse write them down for us and he called with the answers later.
Basically, if I chose option 1 surgery would likely be the week after next with 4-6 weeks recovery.
When the family goes to Lake Powell, I'm the photographer (no boarding or tubing for this girl!).
The bump is kind of sharp now but it should smooth out a little eventually.

The thing I'm most afraid for is going back in 6 weeks (the day school starts) and realizing we should've done surgery... or breaking it again, which wouldn't surprise me for some reason.

People keep calling and asking what the plan is but honestly, I have no idea yet.
Pretty much all the information I have is right here, and I still don't know what to do with it.
And I know it's vain but I think that stupid bump is going to drive me crazy... I just want it smooth like a normal teenage girl...
I wish it didn't bother me and I wish it didn't hurt anymore and I wish I could learn some new tricks on the wake board and go swimming and play outside and get dressed normally and put my hair in a "Marley bun" and I wish I didn't have to wear that stupid brace that makes me feel like a freak. I wish I didn’t. but i do.

I think it's safe to say that I'm scared now.
Scared of what my choice will be and the consequences that will follow.

Sorry this post was such a downer... trying to stay positive! Today was just a not-so-great-one.
But it's not over yet!

Still hoping. Still dreaming. Still wishing. Still deciding.

Marley Grace Kay
Your Dreamer

P.S. Any good movie suggestions?

P.P.S. Girls camp next week? Probs not happenin’.