The love solar system.

Ever been caught in a love triangle?
Try multiplying it by two and a half.

There's this one guy, for metaphor sake, lets call him the Sun. And then there's Mercury, always in orbit just a little too close for comfort and a little bit... Hot headed with jealousy, let's say. Lets skip the next 3 and head straight to Jupiter. Oh, Jupiter. Stolen such a large part of the Sun's gravitational pull, but is Jupiter pulling back? That's the real question. (Probably, but Mr. Sun would never assume such things.) Skip a couple more and we get to Pluto.... Too far to get too much warmth from the sun, but an orbit so skiwampus (just go with it, ok? There's no way I could figure that word out today) that it happens periodically enough to keep sweet little Pluto around. And last but not least, the Comet. Definitely no one saw that one coming. And that Comet came out of NOWHERE. Surprised 'em all for a moment, I'll tell ya what. But don't worry, that pesky Comet will be out of everyone's orbit in no time, just wait a week and a half.

Oh how fun it is, that good ol' solar system.


"Um, no one. Wah-wah."
Marley Kay

i refuse to sink.

I keep typing out sentences and then deleting them. I don't know how to start this so I guess this'll have to do.

I know I'm not extremely talented. I know I have a hard time memorizing and tap is certainly not my thing.
I'm trying really hard, though. And even if I've missed AP Language a couple times, I'm still doing the best I can.

After all, I am surviving. At least I'm trying to, anyway.
I'm surviving by Monday emails and checking the mailbox and the empty Diet Coke bottles rolling around in my floor boards. I'm surviving by 4x4s and long talks with Morgan and learning how to filter and not filter. I'm surviving by 14 hour set builds and long drives in my truck and country music and smoothies all around.

But here's the thing:
I refuse to be the weakest link.
I refuse to let comments rip me apart.
I refuse to self-destruct.
I refuse to get sick.
I refuse to give up.
I refuse to let anyone drag me down.
I refuse to sink.

Because I can do anything that I want to do.
(And I want this really bad.)

(Look familiar? Don't worry, I wear it religiously.)

Marley Kay

dreams and doubts and whatever else.

I'm not really sure why I'm even writing this.
I'm not really sure if my world is flipping upside-down or turning just as usual.
I'm doubting a whole lot of things though... but maybe that's normal?
It's probably normal.
No worries, just figuring it out.
Heaven knows what my life is coming to.

(Dreamin' old dreams, wishin' old wishes.)

Hinges, car rides, and soup.

You know what I love?
Details.
(Yup, call me OCD, but I love 'em!)

Not just details in the painting or movie or whatever visual,
I love the details of people.
(Yup, I'm also a freakish observer. Surprise! Try not to get freaked out if you catch me studying things. 'Cause that's what I do.)

I love the way every time I see my Grandma she says "hi there!" With the same exact inflection and same exact smile, and how she sends a postcard from anywhere and everywhere she travels.
And the way my Dad's cheeks look like one of those little picture-book characters from the 50's when he smiles because he thinks he's funny.
Also, if you could just see the look on my brother's face before commits to anything. Even little things.
And my sister does this thing in front of the mirror every morning while she's getting ready. She makes this face, fixes something, and repeats until satisfied.

I love all the things people do when they don't think anyone is watching.
Picking fingernails, playing with their hair, rubbing their ankle, spelling things with their fingers, tapping feet...

There's this look she gets while she's thinking, and one that he gets before he states his carefully worded, but always strong opinion. One of his eyes opens more than the other. She uses her posture like a defense mechanism. He kinda goes "zombie mode" if someone isn't talking to him. She always watches you intently when you speak, but in a comfortable way. He hardly says a word but his entire thought process is written all over his face.

It's all the little details that create people.
The details that create that beauty.
There is beauty in a complete thing, like a person.
When you look at someone and take all of them in?
You take in their hair, and their clothes, the freckles on their nose, and the dimples on their cheeks.
You see how their eyebrows get all scrunched up right before they start to cry, how their smile pulls up higher on one side than the other, and the way their eyes wander when they're nervous.
That is what completes a person.
That is what makes them beautiful.

I read in a book once about "taking a picture with your heart."-- drinking in every last bit of a moment until it sticks with you.
Can I just say, I love that. And I really do it a lot.
One of my favorite things to do is to look through that album.
I take a deep breath and everything just comes... The smell of the room, the energy it had, the smile on their face, your view from the passenger seat, all of it!

There's nothing quite like reminiscing over the details of a perfect moment in time.
And sure, it creates all sorts of nostalgia, but hey, it feels kinda good. Because you really felt something. And it sure seems like as a society we are deadening ourselves from that. Turns out, it's pretty healthy to feel things, and react to them, in my opinion at least.

Take a deep breath. Breathe it all in for a second. Close your eyes tight. Let it stay with you. 'Cause those are the little things you'll wish you'd remembered.


Your dreamer
Marley Kay

speechless words

I want to write something beautiful. But I don't think I can find the words.
I know what it should sound like, though. It should have a "missing you" tone and sound like a country song that we would sing along to in your truck. It would sound like laughter and tears and probably tires on snow.
It would probably have to say something about your green eyes, or your quiet-ness. And you know? It would talk about your family, and the dog, and that dumb rubber duck that he loved chasing around so much. It would say something about theater seats and freezing hands, and that one blue blanket that you always gave me because your basement is freezing.
It would for sure say that tears are lucky. Wanna know why? Cause tears mean you love something. Sad tears, happy tears, all of 'em. Some tears mourn a loss of something or someone you've loved, and other tears celebrate the recognitions of beautiful things.
It would probably feel sturdy, strong, steadfast, yet subtle, and all those other good "s-words" we talked about.
It would say something about driving a "Shaniqua," driving one handed, and teaching me to drive stick. Probably it would mention "Lehi hill" and cemeteries, too.
(clutch, brake, turn the key, ease your foot of the break and onto the gas. You'd be so proud, I only killed it once.)
It would remind you of all the visits payed to Smoothie King and the amount of money we wasted going out to lunch.
It would also remind you of super heroes, cause hey! You saved plenty of my days.
I would say something about your new favorite tie and my new favorite sweat shirt.
You would laugh because I'd talk too much and I'd smile when you finally would.
And then we'd shed a few more tears, read it over just one more time, and I'd watch through the window as you drove away.
(clutch, brake, turn the key, ease your foot of the break and onto the gas. And now, I'm the one who gets to be proud.)



"See you in two!"

Marley Kay
Mars
Mars Bars
your dreamer

... What-ever-you-want-to-call-me-now.

a thought

{ok, I'm sorry this post is a little rough. I know it's poorly structured and hardly artistic, I just couldn't ignore this little thought any longer.}

People need People.

Seems easy enough to understand, right?

Here's the thing:
It is absolutely impossible to go through your life alone.
Believe me, I've tried it.
It doesn't work, just take it from me and learn from my mistakes. (Seriously, you'll be happier, I swear.)

The cool thing about Life and God is that He places people right when and where they need to be, just so they can bless you and so you can bless them.

There is no possible way I could have made it through Latin last year without Nya.
Or through YW without Nikole.
Or through sophomore year without Kristen, Rachel, and Mark.
Or the summer of 2011 without David and Coleen.
Or through Jr. Year without Krista (mama).
Or through, lets face it, life itself without Emily or Eliza or Morgan or Connor.

So often we rush through our days, not recognizing the beautiful people God has so lovingly placed in our lives.
We brush off human presence and take for granted those who we need the most.

Of course, people change.
And more often than not, they exit and reenter our lives-- but its always when you need them most.

They may not be the same person you needed before, but maybe they're the person you need now.
Hey, maybe they're not; who am i to judge?
Maybe you could go a while without them.

[But here's another thing: truth is, you need those people that hurt you too.
Every heartache makes you stronger. Doesn't it?]

It's weeks like these that remind me how lucky I am to have wonderful people in my life.

I know I don't say it often enough,
But thank you for all you do for me.
I send all my love and gratitude,

your dreamer
Marley Kay

Apologies and a Review

My sincere apologies for all of the posts I haven't posted in the last month.

Here's the thing. I hate to focus on all of my broken-ness, but sometimes it makes me do things more than walking down the office supply isle and counting snowflakes. Sometimes it makes me do things like shut everybody out and turn off the radio in my truck for two weeks and unplug my iPod and stop writing because it all just hurt too bad.

But I'm back. Here I am! Still alive, still breathing, still nervous, still anxious, still me. But just a little bit different. 'Cause that's kinda what happens.

Forgive me, I've lost my words... And in the past month I've really learned what that means. I've realized that I'm very articulate as a person. I've never thought of myself as a writer, but I think it holds a little piece of me... I've discovered that I thrive on words. I need them. I rely on them. And without them I am not myself. An interesting discovery, but one, nonetheless.

Enough about broken-ness, onto the point of this post:

2012.
Gee, what a year. A year that has brought so much heart ache and so much joy. A year that brought surprises, and strength , and anxiety, and peace like I've never felt.

I learned so much. I learned to tread carefully over some subjects. I learned that just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean you have to love them again. I learned that some things are just hard, and to really hold on to the things that aren't. I learned to appreciate the tears for what they're worth when they come. I learned that "goodbye" is a really ugly word and I hate to ever use it. I learned that true friends really do stick around through thick and thin. I learned that there are always two sides to every story. And that sometimes more than one person is right. I was reminded that people sometimes change. And sometimes they don't. I learned that "it'll all come out in the wash." (Whether it's that nasty old stain or the lost 20 dollar bill.)(Thank you, Dorothy, for pounding that one into my mom's head. Really.) I learned that I actually have a purpose-- in everything and everyday. I learned that God is God and that I am Marley. And that I love to prove people wrong about what they think I'm capable of, and so does He. And He has a very great sense of humor.

2012 gave so much to me. January brought Warmth in the cold. February brought Endurance, March was Forgiveness and April, Dreams. May brought Light and June brought Loneliness. July was Healing and Triumph while August was Doubt. September brought "Goodbye"s and the Heartache to go with it. October brought Adventure and Chances, November came with it's usual Change and Magic. And December... Well, December brought Broken-ness. But over all, 2012 brought me Strength to Carry On. Who knew I was that strong? I didn't!

Now it's time to bid it all farewell. Not to say goodbye of course, because that is an ugly word and I refuse to use it. Goodbye feels more permanent, like I'll never see it again. Turns out, I need all those things. All those pieces of this year that created more and more of me. Farewell 2012, you will always stay with me, but now is time to move on and start a fresh.

2013, you hold so much in store. More heartache and loneliness and trial, I'm sure. But also new adventure, new experience, new peace. Singin' in the Rain, graduation, New York, moving out, adulthood, going to college, some new friends, and always the old friends, and of course the same wonderful family.

I'm not sure what's coming or where I'll end up, but I'm ready. I'm ready not just to arrive there, but to travel there. I'm ready to enjoy it.

So here I come, World. Little old me, who is way more capable than she thought she was. Watch out, 'cause here I come.


Marley Kay
your dreamer.