I want to write something beautiful. But I don't think I can find the words.
I know what it should sound like, though. It should have a "missing you" tone and sound like a country song that we would sing along to in your truck. It would sound like laughter and tears and probably tires on snow.
It would probably have to say something about your green eyes, or your quiet-ness. And you know? It would talk about your family, and the dog, and that dumb rubber duck that he loved chasing around so much. It would say something about theater seats and freezing hands, and that one blue blanket that you always gave me because your basement is freezing.
It would for sure say that tears are lucky. Wanna know why? Cause tears mean you love something. Sad tears, happy tears, all of 'em. Some tears mourn a loss of something or someone you've loved, and other tears celebrate the recognitions of beautiful things.
It would probably feel sturdy, strong, steadfast, yet subtle, and all those other good "s-words" we talked about.
It would say something about driving a "Shaniqua," driving one handed, and teaching me to drive stick. Probably it would mention "Lehi hill" and cemeteries, too.
(clutch, brake, turn the key, ease your foot of the break and onto the gas. You'd be so proud, I only killed it once.)
It would remind you of all the visits payed to Smoothie King and the amount of money we wasted going out to lunch.
It would also remind you of super heroes, cause hey! You saved plenty of my days.
I would say something about your new favorite tie and my new favorite sweat shirt.
You would laugh because I'd talk too much and I'd smile when you finally would.
And then we'd shed a few more tears, read it over just one more time, and I'd watch through the window as you drove away.
(clutch, brake, turn the key, ease your foot of the break and onto the gas. And now, I'm the one who gets to be proud.)
"See you in two!"
Marley Kay
Mars
Mars Bars
your dreamer
... What-ever-you-want-to-call-me-now.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
a thought
{ok, I'm sorry this post is a little rough. I know it's poorly structured and hardly artistic, I just couldn't ignore this little thought any longer.}
People need People.
Seems easy enough to understand, right?
Here's the thing:
It is absolutely impossible to go through your life alone.
Believe me, I've tried it.
It doesn't work, just take it from me and learn from my mistakes. (Seriously, you'll be happier, I swear.)
The cool thing about Life and God is that He places people right when and where they need to be, just so they can bless you and so you can bless them.
There is no possible way I could have made it through Latin last year without Nya.
Or through YW without Nikole.
Or through sophomore year without Kristen, Rachel, and Mark.
Or the summer of 2011 without David and Coleen.
Or through Jr. Year without Krista (mama).
Or through, lets face it, life itself without Emily or Eliza or Morgan or Connor.
So often we rush through our days, not recognizing the beautiful people God has so lovingly placed in our lives.
We brush off human presence and take for granted those who we need the most.
Of course, people change.
And more often than not, they exit and reenter our lives-- but its always when you need them most.
They may not be the same person you needed before, but maybe they're the person you need now.
Hey, maybe they're not; who am i to judge?
Maybe you could go a while without them.
[But here's another thing: truth is, you need those people that hurt you too.
Every heartache makes you stronger. Doesn't it?]
It's weeks like these that remind me how lucky I am to have wonderful people in my life.
I know I don't say it often enough,
But thank you for all you do for me.
I send all my love and gratitude,
your dreamer
Marley Kay
People need People.
Seems easy enough to understand, right?
Here's the thing:
It is absolutely impossible to go through your life alone.
Believe me, I've tried it.
It doesn't work, just take it from me and learn from my mistakes. (Seriously, you'll be happier, I swear.)
The cool thing about Life and God is that He places people right when and where they need to be, just so they can bless you and so you can bless them.
There is no possible way I could have made it through Latin last year without Nya.
Or through YW without Nikole.
Or through sophomore year without Kristen, Rachel, and Mark.
Or the summer of 2011 without David and Coleen.
Or through Jr. Year without Krista (mama).
Or through, lets face it, life itself without Emily or Eliza or Morgan or Connor.
So often we rush through our days, not recognizing the beautiful people God has so lovingly placed in our lives.
We brush off human presence and take for granted those who we need the most.
Of course, people change.
And more often than not, they exit and reenter our lives-- but its always when you need them most.
They may not be the same person you needed before, but maybe they're the person you need now.
Hey, maybe they're not; who am i to judge?
Maybe you could go a while without them.
[But here's another thing: truth is, you need those people that hurt you too.
Every heartache makes you stronger. Doesn't it?]
It's weeks like these that remind me how lucky I am to have wonderful people in my life.
I know I don't say it often enough,
But thank you for all you do for me.
I send all my love and gratitude,
your dreamer
Marley Kay
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Apologies and a Review
My sincere apologies for all of the posts I haven't posted in the last month.
Here's the thing. I hate to focus on all of my broken-ness, but sometimes it makes me do things more than walking down the office supply isle and counting snowflakes. Sometimes it makes me do things like shut everybody out and turn off the radio in my truck for two weeks and unplug my iPod and stop writing because it all just hurt too bad.
But I'm back. Here I am! Still alive, still breathing, still nervous, still anxious, still me. But just a little bit different. 'Cause that's kinda what happens.
Forgive me, I've lost my words... And in the past month I've really learned what that means. I've realized that I'm very articulate as a person. I've never thought of myself as a writer, but I think it holds a little piece of me... I've discovered that I thrive on words. I need them. I rely on them. And without them I am not myself. An interesting discovery, but one, nonetheless.
Enough about broken-ness, onto the point of this post:
2012.
Gee, what a year. A year that has brought so much heart ache and so much joy. A year that brought surprises, and strength , and anxiety, and peace like I've never felt.
I learned so much. I learned to tread carefully over some subjects. I learned that just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean you have to love them again. I learned that some things are just hard, and to really hold on to the things that aren't. I learned to appreciate the tears for what they're worth when they come. I learned that "goodbye" is a really ugly word and I hate to ever use it. I learned that true friends really do stick around through thick and thin. I learned that there are always two sides to every story. And that sometimes more than one person is right. I was reminded that people sometimes change. And sometimes they don't. I learned that "it'll all come out in the wash." (Whether it's that nasty old stain or the lost 20 dollar bill.)(Thank you, Dorothy, for pounding that one into my mom's head. Really.) I learned that I actually have a purpose-- in everything and everyday. I learned that God is God and that I am Marley. And that I love to prove people wrong about what they think I'm capable of, and so does He. And He has a very great sense of humor.
2012 gave so much to me. January brought Warmth in the cold. February brought Endurance, March was Forgiveness and April, Dreams. May brought Light and June brought Loneliness. July was Healing and Triumph while August was Doubt. September brought "Goodbye"s and the Heartache to go with it. October brought Adventure and Chances, November came with it's usual Change and Magic. And December... Well, December brought Broken-ness. But over all, 2012 brought me Strength to Carry On. Who knew I was that strong? I didn't!
Now it's time to bid it all farewell. Not to say goodbye of course, because that is an ugly word and I refuse to use it. Goodbye feels more permanent, like I'll never see it again. Turns out, I need all those things. All those pieces of this year that created more and more of me. Farewell 2012, you will always stay with me, but now is time to move on and start a fresh.
2013, you hold so much in store. More heartache and loneliness and trial, I'm sure. But also new adventure, new experience, new peace. Singin' in the Rain, graduation, New York, moving out, adulthood, going to college, some new friends, and always the old friends, and of course the same wonderful family.
I'm not sure what's coming or where I'll end up, but I'm ready. I'm ready not just to arrive there, but to travel there. I'm ready to enjoy it.
So here I come, World. Little old me, who is way more capable than she thought she was. Watch out, 'cause here I come.
Marley Kay
your dreamer.
Here's the thing. I hate to focus on all of my broken-ness, but sometimes it makes me do things more than walking down the office supply isle and counting snowflakes. Sometimes it makes me do things like shut everybody out and turn off the radio in my truck for two weeks and unplug my iPod and stop writing because it all just hurt too bad.
But I'm back. Here I am! Still alive, still breathing, still nervous, still anxious, still me. But just a little bit different. 'Cause that's kinda what happens.
Forgive me, I've lost my words... And in the past month I've really learned what that means. I've realized that I'm very articulate as a person. I've never thought of myself as a writer, but I think it holds a little piece of me... I've discovered that I thrive on words. I need them. I rely on them. And without them I am not myself. An interesting discovery, but one, nonetheless.
Enough about broken-ness, onto the point of this post:
2012.
Gee, what a year. A year that has brought so much heart ache and so much joy. A year that brought surprises, and strength , and anxiety, and peace like I've never felt.
I learned so much. I learned to tread carefully over some subjects. I learned that just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean you have to love them again. I learned that some things are just hard, and to really hold on to the things that aren't. I learned to appreciate the tears for what they're worth when they come. I learned that "goodbye" is a really ugly word and I hate to ever use it. I learned that true friends really do stick around through thick and thin. I learned that there are always two sides to every story. And that sometimes more than one person is right. I was reminded that people sometimes change. And sometimes they don't. I learned that "it'll all come out in the wash." (Whether it's that nasty old stain or the lost 20 dollar bill.)(Thank you, Dorothy, for pounding that one into my mom's head. Really.) I learned that I actually have a purpose-- in everything and everyday. I learned that God is God and that I am Marley. And that I love to prove people wrong about what they think I'm capable of, and so does He. And He has a very great sense of humor.
2012 gave so much to me. January brought Warmth in the cold. February brought Endurance, March was Forgiveness and April, Dreams. May brought Light and June brought Loneliness. July was Healing and Triumph while August was Doubt. September brought "Goodbye"s and the Heartache to go with it. October brought Adventure and Chances, November came with it's usual Change and Magic. And December... Well, December brought Broken-ness. But over all, 2012 brought me Strength to Carry On. Who knew I was that strong? I didn't!
Now it's time to bid it all farewell. Not to say goodbye of course, because that is an ugly word and I refuse to use it. Goodbye feels more permanent, like I'll never see it again. Turns out, I need all those things. All those pieces of this year that created more and more of me. Farewell 2012, you will always stay with me, but now is time to move on and start a fresh.
2013, you hold so much in store. More heartache and loneliness and trial, I'm sure. But also new adventure, new experience, new peace. Singin' in the Rain, graduation, New York, moving out, adulthood, going to college, some new friends, and always the old friends, and of course the same wonderful family.
I'm not sure what's coming or where I'll end up, but I'm ready. I'm ready not just to arrive there, but to travel there. I'm ready to enjoy it.
So here I come, World. Little old me, who is way more capable than she thought she was. Watch out, 'cause here I come.
Marley Kay
your dreamer.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
the queen of broken hearts
hearts?
they're pretty fragile, you know.
and as much as none of us want to admit it,
we're all kind of fragile.
Personally, i think we all deal with a broken heart every single day.
some times it's disappointment. sometimes it's; expectations. sometimes it's fear. sometimes it's illness. sometimes it's your own mistakes. sometimes it's just plain old pain. I guess it's sometimes reality too.
broken-ness is not always an easy thing.
it makes you do silly things sometimes, like the number of snowflakes you hang up, or the number of times you've walked down the office supplies isle, just because it makes you feel better about something--anything!
i have some pieces of your hearts too. not in a creepy i shoved my hand in your chest and stole it kind of way. and not even that i made sure to break yours so that i could have a piece kind of way. but more like, we shared something together--even just a moment or two-- and i took some of yours and you took some of mine.
i told you that you had my heart. but i guess you didn't believe me or maybe forgot or just didn't care anymore. you just dropped it. and it shattered like glass all over the floor. i couldn't find all the pieces and some of them i just couldn't pick up.... But I guess that's just how broken hearts work.
truth is, folks, hearts are fragile. they are a little too soft, and a little too breakable.
they're pretty fragile, you know.
and as much as none of us want to admit it,
we're all kind of fragile.
Personally, i think we all deal with a broken heart every single day.
some times it's disappointment. sometimes it's; expectations. sometimes it's fear. sometimes it's illness. sometimes it's your own mistakes. sometimes it's just plain old pain. I guess it's sometimes reality too.
broken-ness is not always an easy thing.
it makes you do silly things sometimes, like the number of snowflakes you hang up, or the number of times you've walked down the office supplies isle, just because it makes you feel better about something--anything!
i have some pieces of your hearts too. not in a creepy i shoved my hand in your chest and stole it kind of way. and not even that i made sure to break yours so that i could have a piece kind of way. but more like, we shared something together--even just a moment or two-- and i took some of yours and you took some of mine.
i told you that you had my heart. but i guess you didn't believe me or maybe forgot or just didn't care anymore. you just dropped it. and it shattered like glass all over the floor. i couldn't find all the pieces and some of them i just couldn't pick up.... But I guess that's just how broken hearts work.
truth is, folks, hearts are fragile. they are a little too soft, and a little too breakable.
(your dreamer)
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
College applications are stressful.
College applications are stressful.
Not necessarily because the application itself is stressful (with the exception, of course, of BYU's application. It's totes cray-cray.) but more because these applications kind of have a huge play in what happens for the rest of your life.
And really that's not totally true-- it's a pretty big exaggeration really.
But it is a super important decision, which is really intimidating.
I'm not that good at intimidating things.
(Any of you who may have witnessed my first few performances of this school year may be able to testify of that.)
When situations look scary or when things get rough, I tend to kind of.... flop-- if that's good way to say that...
I guess I just decide that it wont turn out the way I want it to in the first place so why even bother.
I didn't used to be like that though.
I would never really let things get to my head.
Instead I got sort of... fired up about it. And then I'd crank out something I never thought I was capable of!
Ha. I sure wish I could find that part of me again.
Any-who: College.
I've finished all but one application.
(Can you guess which one? You're right, BYU! Good job!)
I'm kinda freaked out that I just filled out an application to the place I'm going to be living for the next few years. (Not that I know which one it will be yet or anything.)
And its about time to go soul searching for that "fired-up" part of me and make a decision...
Wish me luck, i guess!
always,
your dreamer
marley kay
Not necessarily because the application itself is stressful (with the exception, of course, of BYU's application. It's totes cray-cray.) but more because these applications kind of have a huge play in what happens for the rest of your life.
And really that's not totally true-- it's a pretty big exaggeration really.
But it is a super important decision, which is really intimidating.
I'm not that good at intimidating things.
(Any of you who may have witnessed my first few performances of this school year may be able to testify of that.)
When situations look scary or when things get rough, I tend to kind of.... flop-- if that's good way to say that...
I guess I just decide that it wont turn out the way I want it to in the first place so why even bother.
I didn't used to be like that though.
I would never really let things get to my head.
Instead I got sort of... fired up about it. And then I'd crank out something I never thought I was capable of!
Ha. I sure wish I could find that part of me again.
Any-who: College.
I've finished all but one application.
(Can you guess which one? You're right, BYU! Good job!)
I'm kinda freaked out that I just filled out an application to the place I'm going to be living for the next few years. (Not that I know which one it will be yet or anything.)
And its about time to go soul searching for that "fired-up" part of me and make a decision...
Wish me luck, i guess!
always,
your dreamer
marley kay
Monday, November 19, 2012
I'm in Love with November.
November is the perfect time of the year for me.
November is the time of friendships and family and love and happiness-quite frankly.
Maybe its just because the holiday season is right around the corner
and its the perfect time to break out the hot chocolate and warm blanket and watch the stars on those breath taking evenings from your front porch.
The weather tends to be perfect for leather jackets, sweaters, long socks, and boots- which happen to be my favorite clothing items of all time.
November holds a sort of magic.
Almost like July magic.
But July holds a summer-y, adventure-y sort of magic.
November holds a cozy, comfortable, adventure-y-all-the-same kind.
November seems to be a time of new love in my life.
(And not always the romantic kind, though that seems to be true too now that I think of it.)
November holds new friendships and renewals of old ones.
Its like re-finding that comfy place where you are going to spend your winter.
It is a time to discover new things to keep you busy during the cold months.
Its a time to remember all of the things you are grateful for and all of the people that mean the world to you.
Its a time to think of what gifts you want to surprise your loved ones with that you know they'll love.
Its the month where not shaving is completely fine-socially acceptable, even.
Its a time of comfort: where you finally settle into the school year and, in my case anyway, start finding a balance again.
Its a time to cuddle up on the couch and have cheesy Christmas special marathons-because really, what better is there to do with your time?
November is a time for change.
The good kind.
Its when leaves change colors and rain falls and sometimes, if we're lucky, we get some good snow.
November is the time to love and be loved.
And that might be the best part.
love always,
your dreamer
marley kay
PS I learned what an anaphora is today. And I'm pretty sure it's my favorite rhetorical device of all time. Actually, i use it way too much. But i feel fine about it so what evs.
PSS I can't believe I just wrote this blog post. I still have 2 essays to write and it's 1:13 in the morning. oops.
November is the time of friendships and family and love and happiness-quite frankly.
Maybe its just because the holiday season is right around the corner
and its the perfect time to break out the hot chocolate and warm blanket and watch the stars on those breath taking evenings from your front porch.
The weather tends to be perfect for leather jackets, sweaters, long socks, and boots- which happen to be my favorite clothing items of all time.
November holds a sort of magic.
Almost like July magic.
But July holds a summer-y, adventure-y sort of magic.
November holds a cozy, comfortable, adventure-y-all-the-same kind.
November seems to be a time of new love in my life.
(And not always the romantic kind, though that seems to be true too now that I think of it.)
November holds new friendships and renewals of old ones.
Its like re-finding that comfy place where you are going to spend your winter.
It is a time to discover new things to keep you busy during the cold months.
Its a time to remember all of the things you are grateful for and all of the people that mean the world to you.
Its a time to think of what gifts you want to surprise your loved ones with that you know they'll love.
Its the month where not shaving is completely fine-socially acceptable, even.
Its a time of comfort: where you finally settle into the school year and, in my case anyway, start finding a balance again.
Its a time to cuddle up on the couch and have cheesy Christmas special marathons-because really, what better is there to do with your time?
November is a time for change.
The good kind.
Its when leaves change colors and rain falls and sometimes, if we're lucky, we get some good snow.
November is the time to love and be loved.
And that might be the best part.
love always,
your dreamer
marley kay
PS I learned what an anaphora is today. And I'm pretty sure it's my favorite rhetorical device of all time. Actually, i use it way too much. But i feel fine about it so what evs.
PSS I can't believe I just wrote this blog post. I still have 2 essays to write and it's 1:13 in the morning. oops.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Neverland
I miss Neverland.
I miss our Neverland.
Mostly because it was ours.
I keep finding new spots
But I interrupt my train of thought remembering that I can't say much about that anymore.
I miss our little escape where imagination could run free.
We got to play every part.
We got to reminisce all those old days.
We got to remember when all this Neverland business was socially acceptable for our age.
I feel like I've switched gears.
Instead of being whisked away in flight to Neverland, I've been drugged into a freakish sleep.
Cats vanish body part at a time, caterpillars smoke here, apparently it's always tea time, and everybody is mad. Oh, and don't mess with the queen or she'll have your head... Literally.
It's just a new experience for me.
And I guess they were right when they said she decided what she didn't want to be by process of elimination.
But it is so very lonely here.
And it's all so dreadfully confusing.
Even after all I accomplished and all the courage it took to do it,
All I wanted was to return.
I never meant for it to be like this.
And I really hate that it is...
I feel like part of me is missing.
It's so frustrating in this place,
All I want is to climb back up that rabbit hole or find the looking glass.... But I'm sort of lost here.
Well... I'm trapped. And I can't get out. And I'm scared and frustrated and I keep trying to give up and just cry but for some reason I won't let myself.
Because I have to finish this what-ever-this-is before I can come back.
And I didn't want to admit it but I need you. Because you're kind of the only thing that has kept me from going mad lately.
Sometimes I still look up at that second star to the right and wonder if you're looking there too.
It hurts me to think that you might not be, so I just pretend you are, even if you aren't.
Not to boast, but I think I'm really good at that. I can believe in anything I want to. I know that may not make sense to you but that's because it's all pretend. I can pretend all I want. But when real things come along that are just as good as all my pretendings, it freaks me out a little. I can't be sure if its all true or really real because its all I ever dreamt of.
My heart was aching to return and so I tried to go there yesterday- Neverland I mean- but I couldn't. It seems something has gone missing... But then I remembered giving it to you. So it all makes sense.
You'll always have a special place in this broken heart of mine, you know. It's called Neverland. And I hope you'll come pay a visit sometime.
your dreamer
Marley Kay
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