Apologies and a Review

My sincere apologies for all of the posts I haven't posted in the last month.

Here's the thing. I hate to focus on all of my broken-ness, but sometimes it makes me do things more than walking down the office supply isle and counting snowflakes. Sometimes it makes me do things like shut everybody out and turn off the radio in my truck for two weeks and unplug my iPod and stop writing because it all just hurt too bad.

But I'm back. Here I am! Still alive, still breathing, still nervous, still anxious, still me. But just a little bit different. 'Cause that's kinda what happens.

Forgive me, I've lost my words... And in the past month I've really learned what that means. I've realized that I'm very articulate as a person. I've never thought of myself as a writer, but I think it holds a little piece of me... I've discovered that I thrive on words. I need them. I rely on them. And without them I am not myself. An interesting discovery, but one, nonetheless.

Enough about broken-ness, onto the point of this post:

2012.
Gee, what a year. A year that has brought so much heart ache and so much joy. A year that brought surprises, and strength , and anxiety, and peace like I've never felt.

I learned so much. I learned to tread carefully over some subjects. I learned that just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean you have to love them again. I learned that some things are just hard, and to really hold on to the things that aren't. I learned to appreciate the tears for what they're worth when they come. I learned that "goodbye" is a really ugly word and I hate to ever use it. I learned that true friends really do stick around through thick and thin. I learned that there are always two sides to every story. And that sometimes more than one person is right. I was reminded that people sometimes change. And sometimes they don't. I learned that "it'll all come out in the wash." (Whether it's that nasty old stain or the lost 20 dollar bill.)(Thank you, Dorothy, for pounding that one into my mom's head. Really.) I learned that I actually have a purpose-- in everything and everyday. I learned that God is God and that I am Marley. And that I love to prove people wrong about what they think I'm capable of, and so does He. And He has a very great sense of humor.

2012 gave so much to me. January brought Warmth in the cold. February brought Endurance, March was Forgiveness and April, Dreams. May brought Light and June brought Loneliness. July was Healing and Triumph while August was Doubt. September brought "Goodbye"s and the Heartache to go with it. October brought Adventure and Chances, November came with it's usual Change and Magic. And December... Well, December brought Broken-ness. But over all, 2012 brought me Strength to Carry On. Who knew I was that strong? I didn't!

Now it's time to bid it all farewell. Not to say goodbye of course, because that is an ugly word and I refuse to use it. Goodbye feels more permanent, like I'll never see it again. Turns out, I need all those things. All those pieces of this year that created more and more of me. Farewell 2012, you will always stay with me, but now is time to move on and start a fresh.

2013, you hold so much in store. More heartache and loneliness and trial, I'm sure. But also new adventure, new experience, new peace. Singin' in the Rain, graduation, New York, moving out, adulthood, going to college, some new friends, and always the old friends, and of course the same wonderful family.

I'm not sure what's coming or where I'll end up, but I'm ready. I'm ready not just to arrive there, but to travel there. I'm ready to enjoy it.

So here I come, World. Little old me, who is way more capable than she thought she was. Watch out, 'cause here I come.


Marley Kay
your dreamer.

the queen of broken hearts

hearts?
they're pretty fragile, you know.
and as much as none of us want to admit it,
we're all kind of fragile.

Personally, i think we all deal with a broken heart every single day.
some times it's disappointment. sometimes it's; expectations. sometimes it's fear. sometimes it's illness. sometimes it's your own mistakes. sometimes it's just plain old pain. I guess it's sometimes reality too.

broken-ness is not always an easy thing.
it makes you do silly things sometimes, like the number of snowflakes you hang up, or the number of times you've walked down the office supplies isle, just because it makes you feel better about something--anything!

i have some pieces of your hearts too. not in a creepy i shoved my hand in your chest and stole it kind of way. and not even that i made sure to break yours so that i could have a piece kind of way. but more like, we shared something together--even just a moment or two-- and i took some of yours and you took some of mine.

i told you that you had my heart. but i guess you didn't believe me or maybe forgot or just didn't care anymore. you just dropped it. and it shattered like glass all over the floor. i couldn't find all the pieces and some of them i just couldn't pick up.... But I guess that's just how broken hearts work.

truth is, folks, hearts are fragile. they are a little too soft, and a little too breakable. 

 

(your dreamer)

College applications are stressful.

College applications are stressful.
Not necessarily because the application itself is stressful (with the exception, of course, of BYU's application. It's totes cray-cray.) but more because these applications kind of have a huge play in what happens for the rest of your life.
And really that's not totally true-- it's a pretty big exaggeration really.
But it is a super important decision, which is really intimidating.

I'm not that good at intimidating things.
(Any of you who may have witnessed my first few performances of this school year may be able to testify of that.)
When situations look scary or when things get rough, I tend to kind of.... flop-- if that's good way to say that...
I guess I just decide that it wont turn out the way I want it to in the first place so why even bother.

I didn't used to be like that though.
I would never really let things get to my head.
Instead I got sort of... fired up about it. And then I'd crank out something I never thought I was capable of!
Ha. I sure wish I could find that part of me again.

Any-who: College.
I've finished all but one application.
(Can you guess which one? You're right, BYU! Good job!)
I'm kinda freaked out that I just filled out an application to the place I'm going to be living for the next few years. (Not that I know which one it will be yet or anything.)
And its about time to go soul searching for that "fired-up" part of me and make a decision...

Wish me luck, i guess!

always,

your dreamer
marley kay

I'm in Love with November.

November is the perfect time of the year for me.

November is the time of friendships and family and love and happiness-quite frankly.

Maybe its just because the holiday season is right around the corner
and its the perfect time to break out the hot chocolate and warm blanket and watch the stars on those breath taking evenings from your front porch.

The weather tends to be perfect for leather jackets, sweaters, long socks, and boots- which happen to be my favorite clothing items of all time.

November holds a sort of magic.
Almost like July magic.
But July holds a summer-y, adventure-y sort of magic.
November holds a cozy, comfortable, adventure-y-all-the-same kind.

November seems to be a time of new love in my life.
(And not always the romantic kind, though that seems to be true too now that I think of it.)
November holds new friendships and renewals of old ones.
Its like re-finding that comfy place where you are going to spend your winter.
It is a time to discover new things to keep you busy during the cold months.
Its a time to remember all of the things you are grateful for and all of the people that mean the world to you.
Its a time to think of what gifts you want to surprise your loved ones with that you know they'll love.
Its the month where not shaving is completely fine-socially acceptable, even.
Its a time of comfort: where you finally settle into the school year and, in my case anyway, start finding a balance again.
Its a time to cuddle up on the couch and have cheesy Christmas special marathons-because really, what better is there to do with your time?

November is a time for change.
The good kind.
Its when leaves change colors and rain falls and sometimes, if we're lucky, we get some good snow.

November is the time to love and be loved.
And that might be the best part.

love always,

your dreamer
marley kay


 

PS I learned what an anaphora is today. And I'm pretty sure it's my favorite rhetorical device of all time. Actually, i use it way too much. But i feel fine about it so what evs.

PSS I can't believe I just wrote this blog post. I still have 2 essays to write and it's 1:13 in the morning. oops.

Neverland

I miss it.
I miss Neverland.
I miss our Neverland.
Mostly because it was ours.

I keep finding new spots
But I interrupt my train of thought remembering that I can't say much about that anymore.

I miss our little escape where imagination could run free.
We got to play every part.
We got to reminisce all those old days.
We got to remember when all this Neverland business was socially acceptable for our age.

I feel like I've switched gears.
Instead of being whisked away in flight to Neverland, I've been drugged into a freakish sleep.
Cats vanish body part at a time, caterpillars smoke here, apparently it's always tea time, and everybody is mad. Oh, and don't mess with the queen or she'll have your head... Literally.

It's just a new experience for me.
And I guess they were right when they said she decided what she didn't want to be by process of elimination.

But it is so very lonely here.
And it's all so dreadfully confusing.
Even after all I accomplished and all the courage it took to do it,
All I wanted was to return.

I never meant for it to be like this.
And I really hate that it is...
I feel like part of me is missing.
It's so frustrating in this place,
All I want is to climb back up that rabbit hole or find the looking glass.... But I'm sort of lost here.

Well... I'm trapped. And I can't get out. And I'm scared and frustrated and I keep trying to give up and just cry but for some reason I won't let myself.
Because I have to finish this what-ever-this-is before I can come back.
And I didn't want to admit it but I need you. Because you're kind of the only thing that has kept me from going mad lately.

Sometimes I still look up at that second star to the right and wonder if you're looking there too.
It hurts me to think that you might not be, so I just pretend you are, even if you aren't.
Not to boast, but I think I'm really good at that. I can believe in anything I want to. I know that may not make sense to you but that's because it's all pretend. I can pretend all I want. But when real things come along that are just as good as all my pretendings, it freaks me out a little. I can't be sure if its all true or really real because its all I ever dreamt of.

My heart was aching to return and so I tried to go there yesterday- Neverland I mean- but I couldn't. It seems something has gone missing... But then I remembered giving it to you. So it all makes sense.

You'll always have a special place in this broken heart of mine, you know. It's called Neverland. And I hope you'll come pay a visit sometime.



your dreamer

Marley Kay

  

24 hours.

*****this was supposed to be published on Oct. 19, but instead stayed in draft form for some reason.... sorry.*****

6:18 p.m.

Aly is sitting at the piano playing hymns, like she always does when she hassomething to work out in her head.

I’m hiding in my room, like I always do when I have something to work out in my head.

I’m holding back tears
     like I did yesterday.
     like I did this morning at the temple.
     like I did when he answered the phone this afternoon and I was surprised to hear his voice.
     like I did when I looked in the back seat of thetruck and saw his hat on the seat.
     like I did when I saw him sprawled out on the couchwatching Boy Meets World.
     like I did at the dinner table when Aly said,"Amen," and he said, "No crying allowed."
     like I am just sitting hear listening to my sisters tell him about their days.

I’m holding back tears because I can hear his voice.
     because I can still see him andtalk with him and hug him.
     because he is still here but it won’tlast much longer.


10:39 p.m.

We all said "amen," we all hugged, and we all left.
We all came home and he said, "Way to break the rules. No crying allowed."
We chuckled and got all nostalgic thinking of way back when he did this or she did that.
We had plenty of visitors and witnessed a few tender good-byes.

But they're not really "good-bye's", just"see-you-later's."
After all, two years goes by pretty quick right?

Well, I’d had enough of goodbyes when we still had over 12 hours left on the count down.
So I decided to do something that I do pretty darn well.
Procrastinate.
Procrastinate the homework, the awkward and sad goodbyes, and the zipping up of the suitcases.
Procrastinate it all, I say!

Because maybe I’m not ready to say goodbye.
And so I won’t say goodbye.
I won’t say goodbye until the last moment possible.

The awkward part is, there was a looming elephant of "say-good-bye" in the room.
But I chose not to acknowledge it. Which was awkward.

But how could I be ready to say goodbye?
How do you say goodbye to someone you've known your whole life?

We made blanket forts together.
We made "inventions" together.
We made cookies with grandma together.
We did chores together.
We played on the rope swing at the farm together.
We played board games together and fought over the remote.
We made schemes together.
We played together.
We laughed together.
We cried together.
The point is, we were together.

He supported me. He protected me. He stuck up for me. He accepted me.

How do you say goodbye to that?
How do you handle it when you have an emergency and need to shoot him a text real quick,
or when you need him to beat up some kid that hurt you (figuratively, of course.),
or when you need a shift covered and no one will take it,
or when you know you're not actually going to see him in a month when he gets a little homesick and claims to come home so he can "work on the jeep," but you know the real reason.
How do you say goodbye to a big brother?
'Cause I'd sure like to know.


7:03 a.m.

Arriving at the Gilbert's for breakfast-- Trying not to remember that this is the last morning.


7:22 a.m.

Leaving for school-- Trying not to think of goodbyes.


11:11 a.m.

Sit down for "the last supper" at JCW's.
Still procrastinating the goodbye.
That dumb elephant got bigger and bigger and started making things awkward for all of us.


12:09 p.m.

pull into the temple parking lot.
take a few pictures.
pause and take a picture in my heart as I watch men in suits, traveling by twos, walking back to the MTC.
Break the rule again and cry on his shoulder.

But i didn't know that was gonna be the last one.
As it turns out, i was the last of the siblings to get a hug because of that break down.

12:15 p.m.

Make sure he's got everything ready to go.
One last check for everything.

12:22 p.m.

Start the car and get in the line for drop offs at 12:30
Then all of the sudden, I took a picture of a sign,
A man pointed us through,
We saw a few familiar faces,
Pulled over when beckoned,
He and my parents jumped out, and opened the trunk.
There was a hand shake or two,
A couple more photos,
And then he was gone.
He just walked away.

I tried to cry quietly, (i don't like it when people watch me cry)
But my sisters' sobs were loud enough that it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

Because how do you say goodbye, anyway?

12:28 p.m.

Check my phone as we exit the MTC parking lot.
Wait.
He didn't have to be there for another 2 minutes!

I felt cheated out of those last 2 minutes.
I mean, its not like those 2 minutes would have made an enormous difference.
But it was certainly time enough for me to jump out of the car and give him a hug... wasn't it?

12:50 p.m.

Back home.
Go back for fourth? Or not?
Definitely not.
Tried to pretend it was all good and fine but really,
my heart ached for those last 2 minutes.

2:30 p.m.

Well, i had to go back to school for rehearsal anyway.
For some reason, it all clicked today.
The story made sense.
My part made sense.
It felt real.
Because it was real.
Because i had really lost someone today.
Not for a long time, but long enough to let me feel it.

The best part was, it was ok to cry there.
So i did.
Not that anyone else would have known that that was partially the reason for my tears,
they all thought i was acting my part.
(the part of the woman whose family was ripped away from her)
But really i was just being.
And an even better part?
They helped me though it.
Those girls grabbed my hand, and dried my tears, and they had no idea.


4:00 p.m.

The procrastinated homework could wait no longer.
Even though my head was spinning a million miles an hour, i made myself focus.

6:18 p.m.

And then all of the sudden, i checked the clock.
And the 24 hours of tears and good byes were over.


But it was really just a "see-you-later."
After all, two years goes by pretty quick... right?

love always,
Your Dreamer
Marley Kay

I haven't.

I haven't
opened my journal
Listened to music on my iPod
Cracked open my sewing kit
Drawn a sketch in my book
Finished all of my homework for one night
Cleaned my room
Written my brother
Asked anyone to Sadie's
Sung a song with all my heart
Had decent grades
Written a blog post
Watched a movie
Slept
Or finished anything I really need to finish really.

The thing is, I'm failing at life and at all of the things that keep me sane. I'm slowly being driven mad and all I could ever ask is to just be given some time to do something that I want to do.

This girl is lost and drowning in a sea of unfinished to-do lists and may need some help getting out.

I have so much to write about but unfortunately I've wasted more than too much time today. Hopefully I'll write soon.

(Homecoming pictures, Elder BigBrother stories, happenings of school and such, and even sone Shakespeare stories to come! Hopefully.... If I don't die first.)

You Dreamer
Marley Kay

P.s. Con-Con I miss you and ill always regret not posting before you left like I promised. Sorry bb. But I know you're doing great out there!


(So maybe this is what the Mad Hater felt like when he went mad...)